By Sarah Davies (she/her)
Last week, South African activist for ending gender-based violence, Zozibini Tunzi, talked about how girls should be celebrated and encouraged to take up space. She did this during the Miss Universe 2019 contest, which she won, becoming the first Black woman from her country to do so. I think every girl, and woman, should see Zozibini’s speech, but I think there are also important changes we can make in our lives in order to see this message come true. Something I, personally, believe is a huge obstacle to achieving gender equality is the way we speak to girls, and the messages we send them, from when they’re young.
I have an almost-three-year-old niece (why is there no gender-neutral word for nieces and nephews?), and trying not to fall into the socially constructed trap of only commenting on her appearance is difficult. I also notice almost every other person she meets does this. This habit has been ingrained into us since the day we were born, and while there’s nothing wrong with greeting someone with ‘hello, beautiful!’, if that’s the ONLY thing we are saying, there’s a strong possibility they will grow up unconsciously thinking beauty is the most important aspect of them. Why isn’t it normalized to comment on a little girl’s intelligence, or strength, or curiosity? Why is it that when I try to buy my niece clothes, most of the slogans printed across them are ‘cutie-pie’, ‘princess’, and ‘be nice’, along with an abundance of pink tulle? Yes, be a nice person, but being told to ‘be nice’ is what gave me a complex about having to make people like me, and therefore led to me shrinking my own voice and opinions. Having to unlearn this when you get older is extremely difficult. I remember being called ‘bossy’ and ‘stubborn’ when I gave my opinion as a younger girl (and to this day), when boys my age were called ‘assertive’ and ‘confident’ for doing the same thing. The same goes for ‘be a lady’ – the amount of times I heard this growing up, while my brothers did not have the same reprimand, drove me crazy. This perpetuates the message that girls shouldn’t disagree with someone, or use their voice, in case they aren’t seen as ‘nice’ and ‘friendly’ – in essence, gender stereotypes that start when we are babies. We need to start encouraging girls to put themselves and their opinions first, instead of giving way to someone else. This begins at the way they see themselves, and if that is only as pretty, and not also smart, and strong, and brave, and funny, and unique, we’re teaching the next generation the wrong thing. Beauty is a flimsy area to get your confidence from, and while off-hand comments around kids might seem like a small thing, they’re usually smarter than we realise, and are taking in everything. Let’s give them the right ideas to be absorbing.
I understand this topic is difficult to wrap your head around – I have been working on this since my niece was born, and I still struggle with the knee-jerk reaction to tell her how beautiful she looks in, let’s be honest, everything she wears, because she’s perfect to me. When I say beautiful, I may be meaning also on the inside, but a toddler doesn’t understand the difference, so I’m careful. Phrases such as ‘clever caterpillar’, ‘brave butterfly’ and ‘strong squirrel’ communicate a wider message, especially with little ones - please leave more ideas in the comments! Gender stereotyping not only attempts to repress a child’s actual interests and enjoyments, but can also create a shame around preferring dinosaurs over barbies, or vice versa. We are all human – gender is a social construction, and applying an evolved version of ‘girls should be seen and not heard’ will not create a generation of confident adults. Girls, and women, should, can, and will, take up space – let’s start reiterating the messages of confidence, strength and intelligence, and telling girls the precious gems of their personalities are more important than their looks will ever be.