By Sarah Davies (she/her)

Ah, holiday time. The most stressful time of the year.

With the thousands of people that converge on the shops, the heightened emotions running rampant, and the triggering effects family engagement can have, this time of year can be rough. Regardless of whether you celebrate Christmas (I prefer Feministmas), Kwanzaa, other religious or non-religious celebrations or nothing at all, you’re forced to interact and engage with this barrage of festivity and capitalist joy. While you may enjoy a little or a lot of this, it’s important, particularly for those who struggle with this time of year, to self-care.

While bath bombs, face-masks and a wine seem to be the most popular self-care options these days (and I definitely subscribe to this remedy for light relaxation), I’m talking a little deeper. Looking after yourself, emotionally and mentally, during this time of year can be more difficult than any other time. I personally am a postcolonial, intersectional feminist (in progress), and pretty much anyone I come into contact with will be aware of this at some point. This can make my life tiring – if I’m at a work party, and I hear a sexist/racist/transphobic or any other type of bigoted comment, I feel an obligation to call that person out – and, sometimes, it’s hard being that person. I refuse to stop being myself just because it’s the time of year when people want to party and say anything with no repercussions, so I’ve had to learn to take care of myself in a way that doesn’t drain me. These are some of my tips, from a straight, white, cis-gendered (read: privileged) woman, and I cannot speak for every person who reads this blog, so if you have more ideas from your own personal experience, please leave them in a comment below. Alternatively, if you have any questions about any content posted, please also comment and get in touch – change begins by learning from each other.

1. Set Boundaries

‘It’s the holidays’ is not an excuse for someone to invade your boundaries – physical, mental or emotional. You do not have to call that grandma who refuses to acknowledge your pronouns, and has not attempted to engage in open discussion with you. You do not have to let your small-minded uncle attempt to educate you on ‘why refugees are bad for this country’. You do not have to laugh at racist/sexist/transphobic jokes at your family reunion, just to make everyone else feel better about not being called out.

2. Say No

Similar to boundaries, saying no does not make you a ‘Grinch’. You don’t have to say yes to a work party if you don’t want to be surrounded by the people you work with, who will most likely be heavily drinking. If you have enough on your plate, but like me, have a problem with saying no when people ask you favours, some helpful phrases are:

- ‘I have too much going on to pay proper attention to [favour], and wouldn’t want to let you down’

- ‘I unfortunately do not have time for [favour], but can point you in the direction of someone who might’

- ‘I am protective of my personal time at the moment, and hope you understand I need to prioritise my mental health/self-care/physical health/time with family, etc.’

3. Spot Gaslighting and Disengage

If someone tells you to ‘lighten up, it’s the holidays’, they are most likely trying to delegitimise your feelings and what you are saying. For some reason, people enjoy baiting those of us who do not subscribe to the social norms the white patriarchy has helped to instil in so many. Do not engage with this person if you do not feel capable – you are under no obligation to teach people who do not want to be taught, and use your own emotional labour at a cost to you.

4. Get Help

There is, statistically, an increase in domestic violence during this time of year. This can be due to increased financial stress (trying to keep up with the capitalist pressure of the modern world), increased consumption of alcohol, and increased contact between perpetrators and survivors/victims. There are also increased levels of drunk people, loud music, car accidents, yelling, people in shopping centres and family arguments/pressures. Any and all of these can be extremely triggering for people on a multitude of levels. Support and help is essential. This help can be discussing how you’re feeling with a friend, a professional psychologist, or a mentor. It can also be writing down your feelings on paper, or drawing, or painting or engaging in artistic/creative work that feels therapeutic to you.

5. Surround Yourself with People You Love and Accept, Who Love and Accept You

Sometimes this is people who might not fully understand you or what is important to you, but are trying to, and surrounding you with enough love that you feel safe while this happens. These people are important. If you feel capable, let these people know what they mean to you – spreading love can be just as therapeutic as receiving it.

As a last comment, please note, I do not have these perfectly down pat myself – this type of self-care is more difficult than dissolving into a rose-scented salt bath and trying out the new Lush face mask. It goes much deeper, and might even open up new issues for you – that is okay, and you are under no obligation to do anything other than what is best for you. Give yourself permission to continue to be you during this time of year, and pay attention to your emotional and mental capability. You are the expert on how you are feeling.

I hope these tips help you this holiday season, and wish everyone a safe and happy December!

References:

Australian Government: Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (2018) Family, Domestic and Sexual Violence in Australia Report, p. 58

If you need support during this time, please contact any of the following:

Lifeline

13 11 14

https://www.lifeline.org.au

Sexual/Domestic Assault/Violence

1800RESPECT

1800 737 732

https://www.1800respect.org.au/

Kids Help Line