By Madeline Price (she/they)
Social links: @madeline_rachel_price
Content warning: incels, sexual violence and rape, domestic violence resulting in death, pornography
Building a new feminist reality does not only concern the external, global community – but the communities we build in our own streets, backyards and homes. For many (although not all), this includes parenting, child-rearing and raising a family.
Now, a disclaimer prior to diving into how feminist parenting may look in our new reality: I am not a parent (unless you count two adorable puppers). However, I am a gender equality advocate and educator – and I have worked closely with the children and young people who have not had feminist parenting in their lives. Without delving too much into the challenges I have seen – from a significant lack of understanding of consent amongst seventeen year olds, to entrenched, violent, internalised misogyny in primary school students – I, among many others (as explored below), understand the benefits that feminist parenting brings.
So let’s explore how feminist parenting might look as we build our new feminist reality.
Raising feminist children
The topic of raising feminist children is one oft considered: from how to raise good feminist boys, to reading lists for feminist parents, to how feminist mothers can raise feminist sons and 16 feminist kids’ books for dismantling the patriarchy, every media source and blogger has their own suggestions.
And many have explored the consequences of failing to raise feminist children: increases in violence against women (with on average, at least one woman in Australia killed by a current or former partner each week), pay discrepancies in employment, differences in educational attainment, and mental and physical health concerns, among others.
Despite the overabundance of information out there, several concepts in feminist parenting are common:
1. Recognise your own internalised misogyny and unconscious biases: have you said ‘boys will be boys’? Have you deliberately selected a pink toy for a girl-child not because she enjoys that colour, but because ‘that’s what colour girls like’? Have you coddled a crying girl-child, but told a crying boy-child to ‘stop crying’? Recognise, reflect and dismantle your own internalised misogyny and unconscious biases about gender (ideally before you explode a new human into the world, or collect one for adoption. Side note: reflect on your white saviour complex if you are looking to adopt internationally or cross-culturally).
2. Start early: according to researcher and author Lise Eliot, children gain gender awareness around age two-and-a-half, and begin to notice gender differences (in how the world – and those within it – treats them) by preschool. As identified by Rikki Rogers, “[w]hat children begin to learn about gender at this young age will shape their worldviews later in life.” Start dismantling stereotypes (and the patriarchy) from birth.
3. Talk to your children about the inequality occurring in the world: the only thing worse than non-feminist children, is ignorant children. Bring up topics of the world around the kitchen table, catered to their age – whether it be their thoughts on whether Barbie is a realistic depiction of present day society, through to the white, male, middle-class dominance of government. Provide the occasional, tailored lecture on systemic inequality in society, from an intersectional feminist perspective. Clinical psychologist Dr Helen McCarthy notes that children “love being included in discussions where their point of view is listened to respectfully”. Sit down for dinner, and chat about how you can all influence the fall of the patriarchy.
4. Monitor their media: not only to ensure the that only pornography they are consuming (at an appropriate age) is sex positive and feminist, but to cultivate their media habits into ones promoting feminism itself. Watch the strength of Eleven in Stranger Things, explore that documentary about Nina Simone on Netflix, normalise the sight of women, women of colour, non-binary folk, people with disabilities, LGBTQIA+ characters, culturally and linguistically diverse folk, and more in their regular media consumption. And remove Peppa Pig from the rotation: the classist and sexist undertones make it a no-go.
5. Instil the idea of boundaries, then respect them: consent is not something to be taught when they hit puberty – it is something that should be entwined with their learnings from birth. As detailed by parenting expert Reva Seth, “the idea that no means no can start with play... Implement the concept of regularly ‘pressing pause’ when they’re playing – a quick check-in to make sure everyone is still having fun”.
6. Share the care work: from cooking to cleaning, to taking care of children and the elderly, to the mental load which exists in relationships, share the work equally (more on that in a later blog post).
7. Fact check your older children: as vigilant as we are about children being preyed upon on the internet by those with ill intentions, we need to be wary of how they are preyed upon by fake news creators, anti-feminists and the like (incels, the mgtow collective, rape apologists, etc). When your child sprouts an anti-feminist fact, fact check it with them and discuss where it came from.
8. Listen and learn from them: Malala Yousafzai, Gretha Thunberg, Autumn Peltier, Amariyanna (Mari) Copeny, Xiye Bastida, Marley Dias, Sophie Cruz, Mo’ne Davis, Payal Jangid, Avery McRae, Xiuhtezcatl Roske-Martinez, Shamma bint Suhail Faris Mazrui, Emma Gonzalez, Isra Hirsi, Desmond Napoles, Helena Gualinga, Lamboginny (nee Yinka Lawanson), Bertine Lakjohn, Veer Qumar Mattabadul: these young activists should be household names. Use them as inspiration to listen to and learn about the passions your child has.
The biggest message of all?
“You don’t have a feminist child; you have a feminist family”, says Catherine Hill, Vice President of Research at the American Association of University Women. And isn’t she right.
Building this reality
Building a new feminist reality, requires a reshaping of all systems in society: from justice, and law and order, through to education, governance and health care.
Whilst growing feminist children can be supplemented by the formal education they receive (and many are already providing such educational opportunities), raising feminist children through feminist parenting remains at the forefront of this new feminist reality.
To explore more about this reality, visit:
· Gender equality starts at home: Seven tips for raising feminist kids